My Giddy Aunt

On Sunday mornings I was always packed off to Aunt Lillian to go to church so that my parents could have some peace and quiet. I think this was a big mistake on their part as trouble usually ensued and I know they were somewhat ashamed and found her antics an embarrassment most of the time. They often accused me of being her partner in crime so to speak and I often got part of the blame when thing went awry. So it should not have come as a surprise when this particular Sunday was to prove to be eventful.

As I arrived I saw Aunt Lillian coming out of the house all dressed up to the nines in her Sunday best but she was leading Pip, Squeak and Wilfred wearing their little bow ties that she had made for them. She was holding a carrier bag full of windfalls and when I glanced at them I could see they were pretty maggoty.

She thrust the bag into my hand. “You can carry these. They are our contribution to the Harvest Festival. I have picked out the best of the ones that were lying on the floor. I am not going to give my best apples as I am sure that the vicar’s wife steals the best produce and uses it herself.”

They had been arch enemies for many years.

“That is not a very Christian thought.” I pointed out and looking down I exclaimed: “Tell me that you are not thinking of taking them? I thought we were going to church.”

“We are, and yes, I am thinking of taking them with us. After all they are God’s creatures and today happens to be Harvest Festival and so I think it would be very appropriate to take them into God’s house.”

“You are not going to give them to the church are you? They might kill them and have them for dinner. They would not have any use for live ducks. I think you are expected to take fruit or vegetables not live animals.” I cried.

“They are not my contribution. The apples are for the church. I just thought it would be nice if they could take part – Jesus always said suffer little animals to come unto me.”

“I pointed out that the Bible said “Suffer little children not animals” but this did not deter her.

“You are always so pedantic Jojo. Well I knew it was something like that so I am taking them with me this week.”

My heart sank. Taking the ducks out was a new fad of hers and the ducks seemed to love the attention but shopkeepers and bus conductors had their doubts. I had been with her when she took them on the 132 bus and caused havoc, much to the amusement of the boys from the grammar school who just happened to be on there as well. The bus conductor said that animals were banned so my aunt asked to see written evidence of this. He could not produce any so for a quiet life he let her take them on the bus. The boys tried to steal them and hid them under their seats. My aunt shouted at them and everyone had a good laugh except for the poor conductor who was trying to restore order.

This is was the start of it all.

Next she took them into the village post office and unfortunately they did several little whoopsies on the floor whilst they were waiting in the queue and the vicar went head over heels when he did not see the ambush in wait for him.

She told me it was all the fault of the other customers and the staff who started shouting and telling her to leave. Pip, Squeak and Wilfred were scared and when they were scared they had little accidents. If everyone had stayed calm they would have gone up to the counter, been served and left without incident.

“Anyway I don’t know what you are worried about we have been practising going out over the past few days and they are now little angels.”

The ducks quacked gently and looked up at us, as if to say: “We are not going to be any trouble at all. We know how to behave ourselves.”

I was not so sure. Ducks can be very tricky creatures and these three were no exception. They could be trouble and I was sure that they had that look in their eyes.

I knew there was no point in arguing with my aunt when she had her mind set on something so I declared with some reluctance: “OK, we had better hurry as we do not want to go in late. You know how that annoys the vicar’s wife.” Arriving after the choir was a no no and my aunt always liked to make an entrance.

So we set off across the village green to the church and just happened to arrive at the same time as Mrs. Goss, the vicar’s wife. Turning to us I could see by the horrified look on her face that she was not happy.

“What are those?” she pointed to the ducks.

“Isn’t it quite obvious Mrs. Goss – those are ducks.” My aunt repIied with a very straight face and I started to giggle.

“I can see they are ducks Mrs. Auger, but where are you going with them?”

“Again, I would have thought that was obvious. I am going in to listen to your husband preach and take part in the Harvest Festival. Jojo here has our contribution of some apples from the garden. Nice eaters they are so I am sure you will enjoy them when you take them home.”

I could hear that she was being sarcastic but Mrs. Goss seemed unaware of the jibe.

“Animals are not allowed in church.” She could be quite a bossy woman and my aunt did not like her one little bit.

Aunt Lillian countered with the argument: “Ducks are not animals but birds. They are on leads and surely as God’s creatures they will be welcomed into the arms of the church.”

By now the vicar’s wife should have beaten a hasty retreat as I knew she was no match for my aunt in full flow. The argument continued to get more heated until the arrival of the Vicar and choir.

Eleven o’clock had struck and the clock was ticking. The congregation were getting restless as they wanted to get home for Sunday lunch or to the pub for a quick half before returning to the bosom of their families. The level of noise from inside the church was steadily growing.

By this time I had wandered off to read the notices in the porch and saw that the Vicar and my aunt were talking - words were exchanged and eventually a compromise seemed to be reached.

The organ struck up the Introit and the Vicar started to lead the choir to their places and I waited with bated breath to see what Aunt Lillian would do. I knew it was too much to ask that she had been persuaded to leave the ducks outside or to sit at the back but I suspected that was what the poor vicar thought he had agreed.

She looked at me and whispered: “Come on Jojo we will go in now following the choir and nobody will notice us.”

“Can’t we just sit here in the back row?” I pointed hopefully to a seat, slipping into the last row of pews but deep down I knew my plea would be ignored.

There was no stopping my aunt, there she was bringing up the rear of the procession followed by the ducks who were all kitted out in their Sunday best with little bow ties around their necks and very dapper they looked.

My aunt was smartly dressed with a jaunty little hat and umbrella with the duck handle and she was smiling broadly. Smugly she marched up the aisle and took her place in the front pew with the ducks waddling after her, trying to keep up and leaving little parcels on the way.

The congregation were all trying to see what was happening. They knew that Mrs. Auger was always good entertainment and whispers were going round the church that today was going to provide a show.

The Vicar, from the front of the church, was waving her back and getting very red in the face. “Mrs. Auger, we agreed that you would leave them tied up to the boot scraper.”

“No, you agreed. I did not and anyway someone might steal them.” Lillian was obviously not keeping to her side of the bargain and she pretended not to understand when he pointed to the door. She sat down and composed herself and drew the ducks into the space under the pew and looked up expectantly and then impatiently signed for him to proceed.

I shrank down into my seat hoping that she would forget that I was with her and for a moment I thought I had succeeded as the door opened once again. Unfortunately the Vicar’s wife had waited to compose herself after the contretemps and as she rushed up to take her seat she slipped on the ducks’ droppings and fell down with a crash.

Suppressed laughter was heard which only made things worse. The choir could not contain themselves and the Vicar rushed down to help his hapless wife. She burst into tears and rushed out followed by her husband.

The congregation looked at one another and did not know what to do. The organ played All Things Bright and Beautiful at full blast, as the organist could not see what was happening. The young choirboys were quite beside themselves with mirth and chaos reigned.

We all waited and waited but nothing happened. So after a while people began to wander out; others gathered to talk to one another and catch up on the news. This incident would grow with the telling and my mother would have to face another embarrassing incident.

Lillian just sat in the front row looking quite angelic, not moving a muscle, but humming her favourite hymn quietly to herself. Her gaze was on the crucified Christ and she ignored all the confusion around her.

The church became empty and we just sat there. The three ducks had gone to sleep under the seat and silence reigned. After about five minutes of deep meditation, she turned to me and said: “I don’t suppose there is any point waiting here I think the service must have been cancelled.”

Somehow my aunt always seemed to be unaware that she was the cause of the pandemonium around her.

I must say she was never a boring person to go out with unlike some of my other relations and as a child I was not aware of the problems she caused, I just found her a really interesting companion.