My Giddy Aunt

Would you leave an elderly delinquent in charge of your house and children? No, I didn’t think so, but my mother made the great mistake of leaving Aunt Lillian in charge of me and the house when she went off to visit my Gran for a couple of days.

You could say that it was all Mum’s fault when things went awry, as they always seemed to when Aunt Lillian had anything to do with it. It was not the first and would certainly not be the last time that disaster struck when she was in charge.

I walked home from school with some trepidation; you never knew what to expect when she had been left alone in the house for any length of time and today was no exception.

As I approached, the back door flew open and, to my surprise, our dog Patsy passed me sitting in her basket carried forward on a tidal wave of soapy water, quickly followed her bowl of food. She was howling and barking enough to wake the dead and looking very scared and I noticed the net curtains in the house opposite were twitching.

What had she done this time?

As I hurried up the back steps I gave a cheery wave to the nosy neighbour, I hated the way she spied on us kids, and wanted to let her know that I had seen her.

It was much worse than I could have imagined - I stopped dead in my tracks surveying a scene of utter chaos. Her three ducks were swimming between islands of soap suds which were floating around looking like the remnants of an arctic melt down and a loud noise coming from the washing machine. It was also trying to make its way across the kitchen like a demented dalek, clanking and clanging as it went. The hose outlet was swinging from side to side like an elephant’s trunk disgorging more water onto the floor, the sink was overflowing and Aunt Lillian was nowhere to be seen.

It was then that I noticed our poor cat clambering onto the kitchen table trying valiantly to carry two kittens in her mouth at once. The other four kittens were mewing pathetically awaiting rescue from the stool in front of the Aga.

I plunged into the water which lapped up around my ankles shouting “What have you done this time and where the heck are you?”

Our kitchen is at a lower level and rushing up the two steps into the living room I saw her standing there with large earphones clamped to her head. The sound of the 1812 Overture at full volume vibrated across the room. The assault on Moscow was in full swing and she was conducting the orchestra in a way that could only be described as manic. Sir Malcolm Sargent on speed!

“What happened in the kitchen and where did all the water come from? And why ia the washing machine making all that noise?” I screamed.

“What water? What washing machine?”

“This water” pointing down at my wet feet “and that washing machine” I shouted loudly pointing into the kitchen.

“Oh. I forgot all about that. I thought that the guns were louder than usual, but I thought that Napoleon had learned from his past mistakes and had brought in reinforcements this time.”

She gave me a smile. “I can explain you know.”

“I think that Mum will want some sort of explanation. You should see the mess out there.”

“Well, you know how much I hate washing up, and you know that I was trying to find new ways of making life easier?”

“Yes” I said tentatively.

“I was getting a bit bored so I thought I would help your mum whilst I was over here and spring clean the china cabinet. It was looking a bit dusty you know.”

“Yeees” I said slowly.

“That was what I did, and you will be really impressed.”

She carried on with the story as if nothing had happened and the washing machine was still thumping and banging in the background:

“When I got all the china out and put it on the table, I realised it was going to be a mammoth job and I would need some extra help, so I thought that this was a good opportunity to put my new idea to the test.”

I knew of my aunt’s ideas. They were trouble with a capital T.

“So you put it in the washing machine?”

“Jojo, do you think I am stupid or something? I know about mechanical things you know. I checked it out and the drum does not go round, there's just a little spinner thing in the back, so I knew it would be alright. The water would just flow around the dishes carrying away all the dust and grime and they would come out all clean and sparkling.”

“Tell me you didn’t!” I was really worried by now.

“Didn’t what?” she asked sweetly. “Stop worrying. I piled it carefully up round the sides of the drum and put in the washing powder, closed the lid and made sure that I put it on the lowest speed. I then decided to listen to Sir Malcolm whilst the machine did all the work. It was all going so well – all the china washed in one go and I knew that your mother would be really pleased with me for a change, but then.......”

In the distance I could hear a siren which seemed to be getting nearer and nearer. When all of a sudden, three firemen rushed in the back door and came to an abrupt halt.

We rushed back into the kitchen.

“What happened here?” one of them started to say but then he stopped. “Oh, Mrs. Auger, it’s you.”

“Of course it is me, officer. Who did you expect it to be – Old Mother Slipper Slopper?”

“What is causing all the noise?” he bellowed.

I pointed to the washing machine which had now come to a halt by the back door. He rushed across and quickly switched it off and turned off the taps at the same time. “You could have been electrocuted you silly old woman” he added.

“Don’t you call me an old woman” she replied sharply.

I noticed that she did not remonstrate about being called silly.

“Well, you don’t live here and when we got the call from one of the neighbours saying that water was pouring out of the house and the dog was barking madly, we expected it to be a real emergency. If we had known you were here, we would have taken our time,” laughed the second fireman.

“That is not the attitude to take young man. Just because you have been called out before to save me from a disaster that was not my fault, it does not mean that it is always a false alarm.”

“OK” he sighed. “Now we are here, where did all this water come from?”

“That is none of your business. I was just washing the kitchen floor and I got a bit carried away, that’s all.” She drew herself up to her full five foot and said: “You can go now. Things are completely under control.”

“Come on lads. Let’s leave her to it.” The fireman turned round to me: “Hi Jojo. Are you OK?”

“I think so,” I replied.

“We will go then.” He knew there was no point in trying to argue with her. He had tried and failed before and knew when he had met his match.

When they were gone, she turned to me and said: “I didn’t want to say anything when those fellows were here in case they stole my new invention. If it works I will patent it and make a fortune. Well Jojo, let’s look at the results of our handiwork. ”

“Your handiwork,” I retorted. I had been caught up in her schemes before and somehow she always managed to make it seem that it was my fault.

“Don’t be pedantic, we’ll be basking in glory and very rich into the bargain,” she said as she made her way over to the washing machine. “Anyway, how did the washing machine get here? It wasn’t here when I filled it up.”

I didn't bother to reply.

She lifted the lid, and I could tell from the look on her face that things had not quite gone according to plan, when she asked, “Are you any good at doing jigsaws? We're going to need someone who is really good at doing jigsaws.”

“What have jigsaws got to do with anything? But, as a matter of fact I am quite good, now that you ask.”

“I think you are going to need all those skills,” she said holding up two large pieces of mother’s favorite plate. “Don’t worry though; I saw this programme on TV the other day where invisible repairs were made to broken or chipped china. You couldn’t even see the join. It will just be a matter of patience and perseverance, and we will have it looking as good as new in no time. A bit of UHU and no one will know what happened; and anyway the dinner service will not be needed until next Christmas and if she notices, I will tell her that the cracks must have been caused by a minor earthquake or vibration caused by the heavy traffic going past in the lane.”

“We don’t have earthquakes here, and there is no heavy traffic going past. We live on the quietest lane in the village,” I reasoned.

“Don’t be difficult Jojo. There were no cracks in the china when I took it out this morning. This must have been caused by something. It can’t have been the machine as why would anyone invent a machine that caused such havoc?” She turned and looked at me quite archly when I pointed out that it was meant for clothes and not china.

“Well I know that, but things can be adapted for other uses if you put your mind to it. It is just a matter of application,” she muttered. “That is how things get invented.”

“Not washing up the best china though!” I pointed out.

“Ok clever clogs! So are you just going to stand there like a lemon, or are you going to help me stick this all together? We need to get it finished and back in the china cabinet before your mother gets back you know.”

Even at my age I realised the futility of trying to “mend” the china and pointed this out to her.

“It will just take a little bit of time, but your mother doesn’t go into the front room very often so I'll put a blanket over the china cabinet and tell her that she needs to keep the sun off it and then we can do a cup and saucer a day when she is not around. Then move on to the plates and bowls and so on. Patience is the name of the game.”

I laughed “It will take more than time? It will take years.”

“Don’t be defeatist. That’s the problem with young people these days, no sticking power.”

I burst out laughing “We will need more sticking power than the King’s men needed to put Humpty Dumpty together again, if we are going to fix this,” pointing to the thousands of pieces in the bottom of the drum.

She moved over to the sink and grabbed the kettle. “Let’s have a nice cup of tea and a couple of custard creams before you start cleaning up this mess. That will help us think of a solution.”

A cup of tea was my aunt’s answer to everything, and I noticed that she had said that I was going to be cleaning up the mess. Luckily we had a drain in the middle of the flagstone floor and the water had receded somewhat.

The cat was climbing down from the table and gave her a superior look that only a cat can come up with and our dog cautiously pushed open the back door. Our animals knew instinctively to avoid my aunt.

“At least the kitchen floor has had a good wash. Your mother was never that good at cleaning.”

She took the mugs down from the shelf and reached for the biscuit barrel: “Anyway, I did not like that service very much. It was quite ugly.”

“You might not have liked it very much, but it was mum’s pride and joy. What is she going to say? She will go loopy you know.”

“Don’t be silly my dear. She will never notice the difference when we have stuck it together again.”

At that moment she noticed Patsy who was trying her best to slink under the table: “What is the matter with that dog and why is it so wet?”

At that moment the kettle started to whistle cheerily and I went to the cupboard to get the mop and bucket. My aunt always did have a short term memory problem when it came to remembering disaster of her own making, and I knew there was no point in trying to reason with her when she had her mind set on something.

It was just another day in the life of my crazy Aunt.

By Jay Cassie

Cartoons by: Garry Davies   garry.davies657@tiscali.co.uk